When I was 4 years old my real father left my brother and I for another woman. My mother had to work nights so we had to live with my grandma (my mother’s mom.) My grandmother became my only security in my life because I was with her all of the time. I went to church with her every Sunday. She is the one that taught me about Jesus. She always hummed songs and listened to Christian music. I lost her when I was 17 years old. She was the only person in my life that ever told me they loved me.
My mother married her second husband when I was 8 years old. He adopted my brother and I because our real dad was never around due to his new family. My stepfather was very strict and never said anything encouraging to me to make me feel like I was worth anything. I met a guy when I was 18 years old and I begged him to marry me to get away from home. We got married after I graduated high school. He was 5 years older than me. I was a very jealous and insecure person. Our marriage lasted 8 years.
Then I married a man 20 years older then me and he was not use to having small children around, he only wanted it to be the 2 of us. He asked me to give them up to their father and I told him I would never leave them like my real father did me. Then I met a man where I worked we were only married 1 year because he was abusive to me and jealous of my children too.
Then I met another man at work and we were only married 1 year because he wanted me to give my children up too after we were married.
12 years later I met my son’s best friend’s dad while our sons were away at college. When my son found out we were going to be married, my son told me not to marry him. Well, I did. That was 20 years ago and my son has not treated me like his mother ever since. I no longer see or talk to my son or get to see my grandchildren because he cannot forgive me.
I was baptized last summer at the Weis’s pool in front of the ARCOG family. I gave it all to God to help me take the pain and stress off my heart. It took me 60 years to realize that there is one man that I need to leave before all others and he will love me forever no matter what. He is my father-husband-friend and is the ever loving father, Jesus Christ. I now have peace within me that is the greatest and calmest I have ever been. My daughter even told me that she is so proud of me for letting it go after 20 years. I no longer need to look for a man to love me. If I would have loved God first before any other man in my life would have been filled with unconditional love. The love I never received from any of my husbands, father or step-father would not have had me looking for love in all the wrong places. I no longer have to try to make a man love me because God loves me and he made me the person I am. He will love me forever.